Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Blast from the Past

Last night when I came home, I went online and found old pictures from middle school and high school. Thank god I wasn't in any of them. I know I sound harsh and like those old hags who hate everyone, well growing up in my tween and teen years weren't really fun for me until my senior year. It's not that I hated school and the people around me I just learned how to put my guard up. When i was growing up, I was a pretty good kid. When I got into middle school I loved it! I felt so grown up about to make new friends. Then when I was 12 my dad died.

I remember it was the week before going back to school. I was devastated, shocked, couldn't cry but all I remembered was I didn't want anyone knowing when I went back to school I wanted to be the one to tell my friends and teachers. Well that bit me on my butt, I remember going to school and to me, it felt like EVERYONE knew they said sorry to me, condolences, anything I could do, and I even found out my own math teacher told the whole class. My god I was mad! To me, it was like don't get into my personal business. After that depressing January, I just learned how to shut up, not make friends, go my own way. I outcasted myself because I felt like the only girl who lost her dad. Everyone always talked about their dad and it made me feel left out. I just isolated. But what i learned now, which I should have learned before, was it was better to talk and let everything out. If i did that back then instead of being so angry and holding everything in, I think some things would be different.

Throughout my middle school and high school years I took accustom to bad things thinking it will make everything better. It did make everything better to me, I didn't care, I was in my own world, I didn't have to talk or try to socialize with everyone. I was usually behind the computer screen after school instead of the junior dance I just saw no interest in interacting with people who didn't really want to interact with me. I remember going to my cousins a lot in middle school because she was the next thing to being a sister to me at the time. I made friends at her school and I loved them. They didn't judge me and they had the same problems as me.

When I entered high school I hated it even more. I'm really not an anti-social hatred person it's just the people around me and how I was desperate for change. I really wanted to go to my cousins school because I had a lot of friends there too but I stayed in my high school and after a while my freshman year I still hated it I wanted to get out so bad so i just kept ditching or never did the work. I also noticed I don't have a lot of pictures from high school just the ones on the last day and never came back. I hate saying it now cause i'm older, but I should have just stayed. Although I had beef with that grrBITCHgrr, I should have just ignored it...or punched her in the face...no that would be bad..maybe just ignored it and I would have done fine.

But i'm actually really glad I left because my senior year was the best year for me. I let the 5 years of anti-socializing and bad things get behind me and became my old self again. I loved it! I met so many wonderful people along the way and even graduated a month before the school ended! I don't have regrets from middle school or high school I met a lot of really cool and honest people growing up and am glad I have contact with them. But what i'm trying to get at is when something really bad goes on in your life, don't put your guard up and shut everyone out because then you won't have a chance to live life and embrace it. I spent most of my tween years out doing bad things and behind the computer screen thinking it helped me and the only thing i learned out of it was to hack websites haha. But now that I am older, I am more sociable and open to conversations.

Let's hope Jaz is the same.

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